You're Getting Old, Gamer: The Truths I've Learned From Turning 30

No matter how many cults I join I am, regrettably, getting older. Not to act like the TikTok crowd is right or anything- 30 is what 17 year olds think 25 is, where I've finally shed the stupidity of being a young adult and have a long life to live at the mercy of the stupidity of a regular adult.

With that in mind, life has cursed me in one additonal way: I am a gamer. Thankfully, not the kind who needs to hear gospel preached by a man coated in his own filth who goes into septic shock at the sight of a minority, but I do have a high-commitment hobby that I'm quite fond of. Unfortunately, the days of all-nighters running Runescape or first-to-50s in fighting games are behind me- and if you're getting older, they're likely in your rear view mirror, too.

Still, that doesn't mean I'm out of the hobby for good. I'm not ready for a life where my only excitement is imagining a gijinka of my tax returns. Instead, here's some changes I've made that you might want to accommodate the ever changing life of being an adult.

Yo Controllers For Mobile Games Are Sick

Back in my uni days I was toiling away at Honkai Impact 3rd up until I hit my stamina limit for the day, mindlessly mashing the screen all for the sight of Rita doing a come hither motion to the camera as your reward for winning.

Everything about smartphones is inherently Lovecraftian, down to their ability to let you see racism (usually via Twitter). They're something we as a species have adapted to, rather than something that suits our natural inclinations. Well, as long as you don't consider humanity naturally inclined towards texting your ex.

As a result, the wave of non-auto-battle games means a lot of mashing your fingers against a flat glass screen. What does that and said ex-texting have in common? Pain. Maybe not now, but definitely expect it to build up over the years.

For the past year I've been dealing with this with the wide array of phone controllers like the Razer Kishi or Backbone controller. Having your fingers press against something tactile like buttons is a godsend- all that kinetic energy from mashing Yanagi's combos in Zenless Zone Zero actually goes somewhere, and is the difference between smashing your head into a wall vs doing it into a pillow.

There are some downsides- the controller option only works for games that support them. I haven't been able to do more than one D4DJ song per session, and despite how beautiful it looks I've also had to basically stop playing Skullgirls Mobile. But given that I can play mobile games at all without just relegating everything to autobattle, I'd say it's a pretty good trade.

You Are Actually Playing Worse At Night

One of the things I miss most about youth was the seemingly boundless energy you get right after getting home. Stay up editing the Bionicle wiki? Sure! Commit to doing a party quest to kill a King Slime in MapleStory? Why not?

Today I go home and do something incredibly self-destructive: I climb ranked. I'll boot up something like Guilty Gear Strive, then face the wrath of Floor 10 players empowered by Potemkin buffs.

While I am still mentally re-living that embarrassing thing I said at work or anticipating what future problem God has waiting to annoy me, what is probably a Potemkin player at the prime of their life is catching every whiffed f.S with a Buster, or thanking that same God that I'm so in my own head I don't realize they've dropped their combo only to catch me with- you guessed it, another buster.

The point is, if you're doing a high-execution activity like Valorant or League and you actually care about the result, probably best to not do it right after a full shift. People who relax with ranked are madmen, either easily amused by the sight of a high-stimulus game or simply so beyond the brink that the only thing worth looking forward to in their lives is some future win they think is attainable on 4 hours of sleep. Go to bed, buddy.

I'm not saying quit ranked altogether, maybe save it for the weekends? You know, where you're more likely rested? I'm just throwing it out there, man.

Nostalgia Dive, You've Earned It

Look, I can't recount the number of times I have to listen to someone say they don't like microtansactions and DLC like they're the only people who've come up with the idea. You think modern games aren't good anymore? Then play the old ones, nothing's stopping you.

I have a copy of Fallout New Vegas that I replay the same way every time. because I like when dialogue options were more than Yes, Yes (Funny), Tell Me More and No. I play 3rd Strike when I feel like I don't want to live in a world with Wild Assault or Drive Impact. There's no law that says you have to play what's new and shiny- or that you always have to play the same things.

Unless you're jonesing for one of those lost games (coughs, the High Moon Transformers games) a lot of older titles are still available in some capacity. I highly recommend checking out sites like GoG- not only do they have a good collection of older games you're more than likely to find them at a good deal.

Sometimes, Pay To Win Is OK

Nowadays, games feel like homework. I'll grab dinner with friends and hear statements like "Oh, I haven't grinded my dailies, I need gems by this patch". They say this with hope snuffed out of their eyes. They aren't having fun now, they're doing so in hopes that down the line, they will break out of Patch Samsara and attain enlightenment.

As a kid I totally got it too- I had fixed hours for trying to log in to AdventureQuest, because free players needed the server to be unpopulated before they were allowed to play. Sometimes you did downright silly things to get to play the way you wanted, and that was, in a way, its own kind of love.

Now, I'm an adult with a job. I don't have time to pretend to play something and hope it's validated next patch. I run monthly passes on gacha games- it only takes 5 minutes to log in, and I get that same sense of working towards a goal without having to stare at a Simulated Universe or other content I might feel obligated to do.

The way I see it, purchases like these are like a monthly sub, passively generating gems for future pulls. 5 minutes to collect a daily log in is miles better than needing to set aside time for dailies, and you'd be surprised how much better you feel when you reduce the amount of unnecessary chores in your life.

It's not just for gacha games either- need more Super Credits in Helldivers 2? What about Fortnite Battle Pass levels? Look, if it's a cool thing you want, there's nothing wrong with a little bit of instant gratification. Obviously, spend within your means- Top-Ups are only break-glass-in-case-of-emergency status in this house. But as an adult, you should only ever grind if the grind itself is fun.

I mean, just take a look at Monster Hunter. In that instance, the grind IS the point of the game, charging 3.50 for a Rathalos Plate makes no sense because you're depriving yourself of a sick Rathalos fight. But when it comes to in-game chores, there's nothing wrong with throwing a little money around so you can have some fun. So much of adult life is a slog, don't let gaming be one of them.

Is this a conclusive list of ways to transition into being an older gamer? Of course not. Everyone's got their own hands to play, this just happens to be based on my own.

That being said, the party ends for everyone. So what if house parties aren't my scene- you can still have iPhone speakers in a park with a can of Irn Bru.